Hearts, flowers, chocolate, candlelight, blah, blah, whatever. For some of us, February 14 is just a date on the calendar with the name of some obscure saint inexplicably attached to it, and “St. Valentine’s Day” is properly followed by only one word: “massacre.” Good news, though—thanks to the increasingly robust Fuck Valentine’s Day movement, we can spend our money just as recklessly as the roses-and-diamonds crowd. Fuck, yeah!
Maybe you’re easing into the Fuck Valentine’s Day spirit, and you’re not quite ready to throw all decorum to the winds. For you, my little poltroon, there is this elegantly letterpressed, discreetly abbreviated greeting card from Farewell Paperie:
“F. V-Day,” $5 each. The period after the F is a tiny heart. Squee!
Farewell Paperie also sells similarly understated cards with kindred sentiments, including “You Farted First” and “F-ing Awesome,” as well as “Holy Shit” napkins (intended for baby showers, apparently).
Too circumspect? No worries. SomeeCards (“When you care enough to hit send”) has your back.
Seas and Peas, an Etsy shop, brings the meh with a couple of cards tagged “Anti Valentine’s Day” and “mature.”
“Happy Fucking Valentine’s Day!” Illiterates will be able to follow the helpful hand signals.
Maybe a five-dollar card seems a little chintzy, considering the depth of your Fuck Valentine’s Day sentiment. For you, nothing but jewelry will do. May I interest you in these dainty bijoux?
“Fuck Off” pink heart necklace and ring, $20 for the set. From Etsy seller Velvet Beehive.
For that special lady (or gent), nothing says “I don’t need no fuckin apostrophe” like a “Fuck Valentines Day” tank top.
From Skreened. Unisex sizes, $17.99.
You could, of course, just get right to the fucking point.
“Forget Valentine’s Day, Let’s Just Fuck” throw pillow, $23.14 at RedBubble.
On the other hand, you can’t beat a classic.
“Keep Calm and Fuck Valentine’s Day.” Available as a poster, mug, mouse mat, decal, and much more at The Keep Calm-o-Matic. (“Nobody has voted for this poster yet. Why don’t you?”)