Hearts, flowers, chocolate, candlelight, blah, blah, whatever. For some of us, February 14 is just a date on the calendar with the name of some obscure saint inexplicably attached to it, and “St. Valentine’s Day” is properly followed by only one word: “massacre.” Good news, though—thanks to the increasingly robust Fuck Valentine’s Day movement, we can spend our money just as recklessly as the roses-and-diamonds crowd. Fuck, yeah!
Maybe you’re easing into the Fuck Valentine’s Day spirit, and you’re not quite ready to throw all decorum to the winds. For you, my little poltroon, there is this elegantly letterpressed, discreetly abbreviated greeting card from Farewell Paperie:
“F. V-Day,” $5 each. The period after the F is a tiny heart. Squee!
Farewell Paperie also sells similarly understated cards with kindred sentiments, including “You Farted First” and “F-ing Awesome,” as well as “Holy Shit” napkins (intended for baby showers, apparently).
Too circumspect? No worries. SomeeCards (“When you care enough to hit send”) has your back.
“Happy fucking Valentine’s Day you son of a bitch.”
Seas and Peas, an Etsy shop, brings the meh with a couple of cards tagged “Anti Valentine’s Day” and “mature.”
“Happy Fucking Valentine’s Day!” Illiterates will be able to follow the helpful hand signals.
Maybe a five-dollar card seems a little chintzy, considering the depth of your Fuck Valentine’s Day sentiment. For you, nothing but jewelry will do. May I interest you in these dainty bijoux?
“Fuck Off” pink heart necklace and ring, $20 for the set. From Etsy seller Velvet Beehive.
For that special lady (or gent), nothing says “I don’t need no fuckin apostrophe” like a “Fuck Valentines Day” tank top.
From Skreened. Unisex sizes, $17.99.
You could, of course, just get right to the fucking point.
“Forget Valentine’s Day, Let’s Just Fuck” throw pillow, $23.14 at RedBubble.
On the other hand, you can’t beat a classic.
“Keep Calm and Fuck Valentine’s Day.” Available as a poster, mug, mouse mat, decal, and much more at The Keep Calm-o-Matic. (“Nobody has voted for this poster yet. Why don’t you?”)
Hahaha love this! My sentiments exactly. No offense to those who partake in the festivities of said day.
That’s very true. It’s just the shit cupid, the shitty hearts and more shit that follows. 😀
From correspondences I’ve had with friends, it’s clear that Valentine’s Day has very different connotations in different places.
In America, I am told, it is highly commercialised, and promoted as a day for people who are already in a romantic relationship to do something special together.
In Australia, commercialisation is practically non-existent unless you’re a florist, and when it’s mentioned at all, it’s targetted much more at people who are not yet in a relationship, as a day to be braver than usual about taking that first step.
Valentine’s day was invented by the capitalism to force us to buy something for our sweethearts, or feel ashamed if we don’t do so. I proudly say that I have never participated in this event. It is just another Black Friday kind of madness which turns people into mindless calendar following and consume-seeking participants in the events that hold no true meaning to them. In my case, I rather participate in drinking beer, which also offers a great opportunity to meet women.
I’m my sister’s Valentine and she is mine.. yupp.
God, now I want to buy it all!!! love it!
I like Valentine’s Day, but this is hilarious.