Southern dialect abounds with colorful expressions, most rooted in rural life and relationships. Some, like “bless her heart,” sound benign but have a darker edge to them (she’s an idiot, but lovably so).
Others, like “Even a blind squirrel finds a nut once in a while,” and “Even a blind mule doesn’t trip over the same rock twice” have a bit of flexibility in them, such that other animals can be substituted for the usual ones, or they’ll overcome a different kind of obstacle. Regardless, the point will be similar to “Even a broken watch is right twice a day.”
What interests us here are the expressions that allow for wider substitutions, such that a basic pattern exists and the speaker can alter them on the fly for the level of force and humor desired. Of these, let’s look at:
Well butter my butt and call me a biscuit!
This earthy interjection expresses surprise or astonishment. The same action can be performed with “Well I’ll be!” This elides the verb, which is understood to be “switched,” “struck dumb,” “a monkey’s uncle,” or something of the sort.
The longer form has spawned a range of variants in the form of “[verb] my [body part] and call me [noun or proper noun].”
A search of Web comments and discussions readily turns up:
- Well butter my butt and call me toast.
- Well smack my ass and call me Sally.
The name is subject to immediate substitution, e.g.:
- Smack my ass and call me Judy!
- Smack my ass and call me Susan.
- Well slap my ass and call me Clementine.
- Well, slap my ass and call me Sandy.
Intensification is possible:
- Stick a banana up my ass and call me Susie!
- Tickle my anus and call me Samantha.
Some opt to change the gender from female to male, perhaps more useful for female speakers:
- Slap my ass and call me Charlie.
- Well sit on my face and call me Bernard!
The pattern readily allows other nouns in place of a name:
- Slap my ass and call me a hypocrite.
- Smack my ass and call me a newborn.
- Slap my ass and call me a donkey.
- Kick my ass and call me crazy.
It’s also possible to tone the phrase down a bit by getting away from all the butt-business:
- Paint me green and call me a cucumber.
- Slap me with bread and call me a sandwich.
- Pin my tail and call me a donkey.
- Fry me in butter and call me a catfish.
- Saddle my back and call me a horse!
- Well knock me down and steal my teeth!
It has been suggested that this may not be a pattern unique to the American South, as an episode of Blackadder contains the following line:
You twist and turn like a twisty turny thing. I say you’re a weedy pigeon, Blackadder, and you can call me Susan if it isn’t so.
A close reading, however, puts paid to the idea. Lord Melchett’s meaning here could be substituted with “and damn me if.” But the pattern under examination is a speech act designed to work in two parts: 1) setting the scene, and 2) finishing with a paraprosdokian to elicit in the listener the same surprise or astonishment as experienced by the speaker.
Love that: ‘Butter
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Gggrrrh! Didn’t finish! Love that photo, would be a great alternative marketing slogan for the ‘I can’t believe it’s not butter!’ margarine. 😉
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The original term
Slap my ass and call me Sally has been in my backpack of wisdom for Generations.
Let me break it down gently
Image this…
A place you’re never going to see, unless you have blood Relative, or like to travel and tourism.
Scotland
Imagine this…
Running from the British. ..all you have is a Donkey
AkA..
An Ass
Mule same animal basically
Greater footage but slow
And you have a favorite horse
Name… you guessed it
SALLY
WHEN YOU SPANK A,DONKEY ON THE BUTTON,
THEY LAY DOWN
SO YOUR ESCAPE.
drum roll here … is your trusted faster transportation
SALLY
I HOPE THIS was helpful.
NAMASTE!
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Worth noting that the passive-voice Southernism “Well, I’ll be —” sometimes gets elaborated in a similar way. A classic Texas variant is “Well, I’ll be dipped in shit and rolled in dirt.”
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Oh, that explains it! I recall “I’ll be dipped in dogshit” from a Freak Brothers cartoon. Their creator, Gilbert Shelton, is a Texan.
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Yes I’ve heard that. Often truncated to “We’ll I’ll be dipped.” The listener can decide what the substance is.
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My wife, who was born in North Carolina in 1943 and lived there for 18 years, says “bless your heart” often (in her usage, always) has no negative vibe at all: it is an expression of sympathy/pity for someone who’s had troubles, especially those not of their own making.
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I agree about ‘bless YOUR heart’, but what I hear here in Atlanta and environs is the ‘bless HER heart’ usually following something completely snarky, which in turn is usually following a boiler-plate caveat : “I don’t mean to be mean, but that girl is a flat-out TRAMP, bless her heart.” Sandwiching the real comment between these two ‘nice’ phrases apparently allows the speaker to believe that she (it’s ALWAYS she) would never say a bad word about anyone.
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Boiler plate caveat, ha. So true on the “I don’t mean to be mean but…”
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After I wrote that, I realized I didn’t have it quite right…”I don’t mean to be ugly, but…”
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My wife says there’s no difference in her usage between “your” and “his/her/their”. It may be a matter of generations or just of personality. When she criticizes someone, it’s usually directly, which is one reason she moved to New York!
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LOL Tickle my anus and call me Samantha. I shan’t tickle your bum but my name is Sam and that is that. LOL
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Well stuff me in a turkey and call me thankful!
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Exactly. Any number of variations are possible. Once you know the pattern, you can go crazy.
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Video for the Blackadder insult: http://youtu.be/PNQk0VPX3nY
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I think I’m going to use “Well, verb my body part and call me a proper noun!” from now on. Like a MadLibs swear.
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