Adios, Motherfucker, Blue Balls, Suck, Bang, and Blow, and Mountain Dew Me. What’s in a name—indeed! But these are but a few of the hundreds of cocktails out there that have one ingredient in common: sex. I don’t think I’m alone in this, but even the word “cocktail” can rouse a small titter from the sixth-grader in me. Leave it to George Carlin to expound upon the word: “Women want cock, men want tail.” Naughtily named cocktails have been around for quite some time, though. The Angel’s Tit was a prohibition drink, so-named because the creamy white cocktail, topped with a cherry in exactly the right place, resembled—well, you get the idea. But the drink that started the ball rolling, so to speak, was Sex on the Beach.
Sex on the Beach is just one of many generic cocktails whose sole link is a reference to “doing it.” Unlike the Angel’s Tit, the final product of Sex on the Beach and the myriad other sexually oriented cocktails generally have no visual association to the name: the Blow Job, the Leg Spreader? Sex is often associated with cocktails, though I doubt if this shrewd observation will overthrow Freud or Kinsey as experts in the field. Appropriately, Sex on the Beach and many its offspring of sexually allusive drinks are usually called “Shooters.”
Sex sells, and these drinks are particularly formulated with the libido in mind. Some of the wildly inventive names are meant to titillate, while others are just blatant forays into potty talk. I cannot imagine Winston Churchill or James Bond sidling up to the bar at the club and requesting a Bald Pussy or a Tony’s Screaming Weenie. They are clearly fraught with double entendre—“I’d like a Screaming Orgasm, if you please.” And as it is with real sex, these drinks come with their risks. These generally sweet, but seriously potent potables literally go down so easily that multiple Orgasms will often lay the young toper out prone for the wrong reason. Not everyone wants Sex on the Beach. Joseph Scott and Donald Bain in The World’s Best Bartender’s Guide give the recipe for the variant Sleazy Sex on the Beach as follows, “Add 1 ounce of Grand Marnier, but only if you’re feeling particularly wasteful and have little respect for Grand Marnier.”
For my money, the most clever—and remotely palatable—of all these drinks is a gin-based cocktail blended with orange juice, grenadine, and Pernod: the Monkey Gland. Few classic cocktails of such appealing character have such odious names. In fact, I can’t think of any. Martini, Manhattan, Monkey Gland? Case closed. Harry MacElhone, owner of Harry’s New York Bar in Paris, is credited with mixing the first Monkey Gland in the 1920s. The claim is backed up in the ABC of Mixing Cocktails by none other than Harry MacElhorne. The sonorous sobriquet was inspired by the work of Serge Voronoff, a Russian who experimented with the sexual organs of monkeys for rejuvenation. The verdict is not in on the procedures with the naughty bits of monkeys, but the bygone fashionable drink is a reliable rejuvenator.
1/4 ounce white crème de cacao
1/4 ounce maraschino liqueur
1/4 ounce half and half
Maraschino cherry for garnish
Layer equal parts white crème de cacao, maraschino liqueur, light cream. Pour the white crème de cacao into a cordial or cocktail glass. Float the maraschino liqueur on top. Float the half and half on top. Garnish with a maraschino cherry.
Sex on the Beach
2 ounces vodka
2 ounces peach schnapps
3 ounces orange juice or grapefruit juice
2 ounces cranberry juice
Pour all the ingredients into a highball glass with ice and stir.
Absolut Sex. 1 ounce Absolut Kurant vodka, 1 ounce Midori melon liqueur, 1 ounce cranberry juice, 1 ounce sprite.
After Sex. 2 ounces vodka, 1 ounce crème de banana
Orgasm. 1 ounce amaretto, 1 ounce Kahlúa, 1 ounce Bailey’s Irish Cream
Screaming Orgasm. 1 ounce vodka, 1 ounce Kahlúa, 1 ounce Bailey’s Irish Cream
2 ounces gin
1 1/2 ounce fresh orange juice
2 dashes grenadine
2 dashes Pernod or Bénédictine
Shake very well with ice and strain into a chilled cocktail glass. Garnish with an orange peel.
1/2 Bailey’s Irish Cream
1/2 ounce orgeat
Pour into a shot glass and top with a dash of whipped cream.
Recipe sources: Rob Chirico, Field Guide to Cocktails (Quirk 2005)