Short Stuff

While the canonical adjuration as regards the sexual eligibility of nubile young (and as regards most statutory ages of consent almost certainly too young) women is usually found in ‘if they’re old enough to bleed, they’re old enough to butcher’, I offer a list of synonyms. These are drawn from the researches of my fellow London lexicographer Neil Crawford, who for 30 years has been compiling a database, ‘on historical principles’, of the language of sex. He sent them to me; with his permission I pass them on to you.

if there’s fluff on the muff, they’re old enough
if there’s fluff on the puff she’s old enough
If there’s fluff on the stuff, she’s old enuff
if there’s fur down below, then she’s ready to go
if there’s fuzz on the cunt, get ready to punt
if there’s fuzz on the bump, give it a hump
if there’s fuzz on the muff, she’s old enough
if there’s fuzz on the peach it’s ready for harvesting
If there’s fuzz on the peach, it’s ready to be eaten
if there’s fuzz on the peach then shake the tree
if there’s fuzz on the pumpkin, it’s good/time for dinky dunkin
if there’s grass on the field, game on!
if there’s grass on the field, it’s fair play
if there’s grass on the field, it’s time to play (ball)
if there’s grass on the field, play ball
if there is grass on the field the ball is in play
If there’s grass on the green, play ball
if there is grass on the green, the game is on
if there is grass on the green you may play the hole
if there’s grass on the infield, play ball
if there’s grass on the knoll…
if there’s grass on the lawn she’s ready to moan
if there’s grass on the pitch…
if there’s grass on the playing field, it’s time to play ball
if there’s grass on the playing field, then get your ass in the game
if there is grass on the wicket, it’s good enough for cricket
if there’s grass on the wicket, let’s play cricket
if there’s grass on the wicket, she’s ready for/to play cricket
if they’re big enough – they’re old enough

In addition my own files offer:

old enough to sit at the table, old enough to eat

11 thoughts on “Short Stuff

  1. sesquiotic March 30, 2015 / 5:28 pm

    The phrase I learned was “five’ll get you twenty,” meaning “five minutes alone with yon underage girl will net you twenty years in jail.” I learned it in a high school from a fellow nigh on 30 who referred to my classmates as “chicklets” because they weren’t full-grown chicks yet.

    Liked by 1 person

    • thnidu March 30, 2015 / 11:06 pm

      They look to me more like a small number of sayings that have been through the folk process of “Oh, what’s the heck’s the next word? Oh yeah…”

      Liked by 1 person

      • misterslang March 31, 2015 / 7:57 am

        Be that as it may, they come from a wide range of wholly discrete sources.

        Like

  2. Chips Mackinolty March 31, 2015 / 9:52 am

    Many years ago the feminist rejoinder was coined: “if their balls have dropped, they can be chopped”

    Like

  3. marc leavitt March 31, 2015 / 11:08 am

    Add to it, “If they’re old enough to pee, they’re old enough for me,” but now that I think about it, this last is, or should be taboo; it assumes that prepubescent girls are fair game.

    Like

  4. Shannon Parker March 31, 2015 / 11:12 am

    Perhaps the most common where I grew up (North Suburban Boston Massachusetts) was “Old enough to pee, old enough for me.” Which, to be honest, always perplexed me at the same time that it made my skin crawl. My favorite was the above “Old enough to sit at the table, old enough to eat.” I believed this was specific to our area because we had “18 and over” club nights. Some of the women weren’t of drinking (or voting, for that matter) age, but were old enough to be out unchaperoned.

    Sesquiotic – Our local variant was “fifteen’ll get you 20”. Statutory rape (i.e. – any relations with a minor) will land you in jail for 20 years.

    Like

    • misterslang March 31, 2015 / 11:48 am

      As regards Boston origins, my citation for ‘old enough to sit at the table…’ comes from a George Pelecanos novel (The Sweet Forever 1996, context 1986) which like all his fiction is based in Washington, DC. So maybe it has a broader reach?

      Like

  5. BillR March 31, 2015 / 12:58 pm

    Growing up in SE Michigan in 50s-60s, I heard, “old enough to bleed, old enough to breed.”

    Like

  6. Y March 31, 2015 / 6:50 pm

    “Dinky dunkin” was the first thing I ever read on Strong Language that made me think “ew”.

    Like

  7. phanmo April 1, 2015 / 5:13 pm

    I always heard “Old enough to go to the store, old enough to get bred”.
    Southern Ontario, eighties mainly.

    The pun is slightly better than most versions

    Like

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