Yes, 2020 has been a shitshow, but at Strong Language we still observe the niceties—or the naughtyties—of ritual and tradition. Here are gifts that evoke the spirit of the season and the whole fucking year.
For wankers who like to read about swearing
Rooted: An Australian History of Bad Language, by Amanda Laugeson, chief editor of the Australian National Dictionary. In her review for the Superlinguo blog, Strong Language contributor Lauren Gawne wrote that Rooted “not only provides a good introduction or refresher on Australian history, but is also full of language and word facts, including the geographical origins of the word ‘bugger’, the 1960s etymology of Ocker in the name Oscar, and the very colourful language of outback outlaw Ned Kelly.” Available in all formats now in Australia and on Kindle elsewhere. Preorder now for US delivery in February.
A Very Sweary Dictionary—hot off the presses from sweary editor Kia Thomas—covers the territory from abso-fucking-lutely to wankstain. “Let foul-mouthed fiction editor Kia Thomas take you through the principles of editing profanities and show you how to swear with style.” For non-UK and non-Zon links, see this Twitter thread.
Green’s Dictionary of Slang, by our co-fucker Jonathon Green, celebrated 10 years in print this year. It’s “quite simply the best historical dictionary of English slang there is, ever has been […] or is ever likely to be.” You can still buy the three-volume set if you’re feeling lavish.
Or you can send a fucking card (see below) with a link to the free online edition, which is continually updated.
Ascent of the A-Word. We lost linguist and author Geoffrey Nunberg (1945–2020) in August, but we’ll always have his 2012 exploration of “assholism: the first sixty years.”
For wankers who’d rather draw than read
F*ck Off, I’m Coloring! So meditative.
For assholes who like to cook shit
Fast, Junk & Comfort: It’s a Fucking Cookbook. “Are you a busy fucker without a lot of time for cooking? Maybe you’re a lazy fucker who can’t be arsed to cook. Perhaps you’re neither busy nor lazy but haven’t a clue how to cook or hate it altogether. Then this is for you!”
Our own co-fucker, James Harbeck, has published not one but two volumes of The Asshole’s Guide to Cooking: Volume 1, Volume 2.
For the cockwomble who’s fucking had it with Christmas but still needs to trim the goddam tree
Fuck Flake ornament from Etsy.
For the fucking office, home or away
Today’s Clusterfuck Danger mug, from Emily McDowell.
For pendejos with a sense of humor
Coño mug. Let me Wiki that for you: “Coño is a common, somewhat vulgar Spanish idiom primarily used in Spain and the Spanish Caribbean. Its actual meaning differs according to use, but in Spain and several Latin American countries it is also used in its literal sense as slang for the female genitalia, the vulva.”
Put a fucking coaster under that mug!
Your choice of profanity, from ass to whore.
For the motherfucker who needs something a little stronger
Cuntasaurus wine tumbler from Etsy.
For the mofo with a dirty mouth and a clean kitchen
“Fuck Covid” kitchen towel in a choice of colors.
“Stay the Fuck Home and Cook Something” apron. Also available in “Stay the Fuck Home and Bake Something.”
For the twat who fucks around with wordplay
You could also be a decent human being and make a donation in someone’s name to For Fox Sake, a wildlife-rescue organization based in Chattanooga, Tennessee.
For the douchebag who’s always cold
For shitgibbons who like to put the fucking pieces together
Profanity jigsaw puzzles from Redbubble.
For the shmuck who likes to zhuzh it up
Fuckity fuck kilt pin from Yunique Metal (yes, that’s how they fucking spell it).
For the beeyotch who says things like “lippie” and “smoky eye”
Pure Fuckery eyeshadow palette from Malicious Women. Check out their Bitches Against Bullshit collection, too.
Resting B*tch Face liquid lipstick from Lipslut. Read what we wrote about Lipslut in 2019.
That’s right, it’s fucking Hanukkah, too (December 11 through 18)
Etsy seller Born Kosher has you covered.
For SOBs who need a reminder to wear a friggin’ mask*
Warm wishes bitches mask from Etsy. Also available in other grouchy holiday themes.
*Because The Boss told us to. For more mask suggestions, see our “Sweary Masks” post.
At least send a fucking card
On the Amazon link for Greens, the listing:
Hardcover, January 1, 1656
is for $1000.00 –